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Sobriety Texts

by Verse A. Phile

abba blowz
blow urself u dont hav 2 go. rly
cant beleive u spent 50 bux
dam skippy! so xcited rite now
ehh abbas ur ghey luv
fu at least i dont suck my thum liek u
going 2 beach after work ,schweet
high tides?
i <3 ssurrrrfsfurfr
jeez keep it in ur pants lol mmm Barsq
k…w/e…u no i cant drink that r00t b33r shiznitz gross poop pop
lolo
mity tig ol bitties just came in
nice hit dat ask if u can rub ur nose in em
oh no brought her beefy bf shitball
prick
queso halapenyo dip sooo good. fresh outta fridj
rite on brohan ur so on ti
shit like a gangsta, brahhh
tmi lmao dawg
u gonna see teh movie tom? sumthin Mountain of…
verisimilitude. Mt. of Verisimilitude
w/e d00d
xtra cool lookin new bond flic
yeah but wtf does dat title mean B
zzzz nap time brotha

Tags: Brohan, leet speek, mamma mia, now I know my ABCs, txt msgs

On the Passing of Brother Billy.

by Verse A. Phile

We are gathered thusly to commemorate the departure of one of Florida’s finest. William was a solid man, full of vim and vigor and usually twelve bags of chili cheese flavored Fritos. He took from the rich and he gave to himself. And to his buds. He was truly a Brohan in every sense of the word, like that time he lent me his Captain Planet mask so I wouldn’t get caught streaking across campus. Or that time he tied my hair back to keep me from chunking in my new dreads.

To William!

We will miss Will intensely. He who could spin a tale better than the lot of us — and while he was twice as drunk, too! He should have taught rhetoric, because everyone should know that no matter what you’re saying, saying it louder and with more fist thumping, nudity, and/or dry humping will get your point across much better. Especially in a room of toasted freshmen Troglodytes.

Party shot!

So we hold this party to be self-evident that not all Bro-men are created equal. Brohan Brahmin broke the caste system mold when he made ol’ Willy out of dirt and guts and those crazy little worker ants. Because he was always busy as an ant, whether he was toasting a shot to the Student Government for pumping money into the campus escort service before it was shut down after that 20/20 investigation, or toasting a shot to his buds at Kappa Kappa Kappa for supporting the widespread availability of the morning after pill, or toasting a shot to his parents’ Down N Out Kountry Klub for installing that Olympic-sized Skeet shooting range that stayed open until midnight. Way to go, man!

Blitz-keg!

So fuck New York and all those uppity horsedick shit yuppies for taking away our little Willy. Good luck in dental school, bro! Send our Bogarts to Broadway! Drop us a line when you’re done, so you can start polishing our ivories! This one’s for you, bro!

GIN-romino!

Tags: Billy, Brohan, Captain Planet, eulogy, Fritos