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On the Passing of Brother Billy.

by Verse A. Phile

We are gathered thusly to commemorate the departure of one of Florida’s finest. William was a solid man, full of vim and vigor and usually twelve bags of chili cheese flavored Fritos. He took from the rich and he gave to himself. And to his buds. He was truly a Brohan in every sense of the word, like that time he lent me his Captain Planet mask so I wouldn’t get caught streaking across campus. Or that time he tied my hair back to keep me from chunking in my new dreads.

To William!

We will miss Will intensely. He who could spin a tale better than the lot of us — and while he was twice as drunk, too! He should have taught rhetoric, because everyone should know that no matter what you’re saying, saying it louder and with more fist thumping, nudity, and/or dry humping will get your point across much better. Especially in a room of toasted freshmen Troglodytes.

Party shot!

So we hold this party to be self-evident that not all Bro-men are created equal. Brohan Brahmin broke the caste system mold when he made ol’ Willy out of dirt and guts and those crazy little worker ants. Because he was always busy as an ant, whether he was toasting a shot to the Student Government for pumping money into the campus escort service before it was shut down after that 20/20 investigation, or toasting a shot to his buds at Kappa Kappa Kappa for supporting the widespread availability of the morning after pill, or toasting a shot to his parents’ Down N Out Kountry Klub for installing that Olympic-sized Skeet shooting range that stayed open until midnight. Way to go, man!

Blitz-keg!

So fuck New York and all those uppity horsedick shit yuppies for taking away our little Willy. Good luck in dental school, bro! Send our Bogarts to Broadway! Drop us a line when you’re done, so you can start polishing our ivories! This one’s for you, bro!

GIN-romino!

Tags: Billy, Brohan, Captain Planet, eulogy, Fritos